Teacher 1: “Rachel Hollan.”
My eyes bolt to the door, am I in trouble, I don’t remember doing anything wrong, and why do I feel guilty?
Teacher 1: “Gather your things and then come down to the office. There’s a message for you from your mother.”
I drag my feet over to my chair, eyes fixed on the blue colored carpet that has bits and pieces of red and green, the same carpet that every school invests in… I wave goodbye to my friends as exit my choir room. I had been in directed study, one of my favorite classes because it was pretty much just a free study period, but my teacher, the choir director, let us do whatever we wanted. It was the time of the day that I got to spend with my 2 best friends and just talk, braid each other’s hair, make bracelets, and help Ms. Nugyen organize and put away sheet music.
I’m almost to the office by now, I stopped at my locker to put my books away, I didn’t wanna carry them, too heavy! I round the corner and glide through the office door as it swings open and hits the wall, “woops” I announced. I searched the office for a face that had the explanation for ruining my perfectly good girl time with my friends. I looked at Mrs. Wakefield, our middle school receptionist. The look on her face puzzled me, she looked worried and really sad. “What was going on” I thought.
“It’s time Rachel, I’m so sorry.” Mrs. Wakefield released.
My heart dropped and I felt like my stomach was going to burst through my throat, I started balling. My head fell to meet my shaking hands as I sat on a small, rickety chair against the wall to my right. She came over and put her arm around my shoulders, it was kind of awkward since I didn’t really know her to well, but it was nice having someone there. After gathering myself back together, she started walking me back to my locker to get all my school books and belongings. As I was approaching my locker, I saw my two best friends, Sadie and Rachel walking down the hallway in a swift manner; they had come to see what was going on. They saw that my face was raw with tears and ran to my side.
“What’s wrong Rachel?” they both asked in unison, one on either side of me.
“I’m going to the Mayo Clinic.” I answered, only wishing those words hadn’t been true. Both the girls looked down to the floor with the feeling of agony in their eyes, they knew this day would come, they just didn’t know when. Sadie helped me pack up my backpack as Rachel stood close to me, keeping her hand on my shoulder, comforting me with the fact that she would always be there for me. Us three girls walked with linked arms together to the entrance doors of the school with Mrs. Wakefield tagging behind. I gave my friends a HUGE hug, not wanting to let go. Mrs. Wakefield opened the door for me, wished me luck, and gave me a nice huge goodbye. I waved behind me as I walked down the chalky colored sidewalk to my mom’s car. I hopped in the passenger seat and starred longingly out the window, wondering when I would return back to my friends, teachers, school, and my normal life.
“I started packing some stuff for you,” my mom said, breaking the silence.
“Mmmk, thanks” I puffed. We pulled into the driveway, I wobbled out of the car and went inside to get something to eat.
“Dr. Moir wants to see you today, so we need to leave in less than an hour. Do want to bring your things up to my room and then we can pack them together?” my mom sweetly asked.
“Ya that’s fine, what do I all need to bring?” I asked.
“Well, enough clothes to last you a couple weeks, comfy clothes, we can do laundry there. Your toiletries, homework, anything else you want to bring to work on” my mom stated.
“K, I’ll start bringing my stuff up then”, I replied. I went to my room, turned on some music and started emptying my closet; I tend to over pack, especially when I’m in a rush or stressed. We got the car packed up, my brothers and sisters came home from school, and my dad came home from work. We gathered in the living room and my dad gave me a Priesthood blessing. Everyone was in tears; the spirit was so strong that day. My mom and I walked down the stairs and out to the car.
“Everything is going to be fine, Rachel. I’ve been through it and I turned out alright didn’t I? Haha” Olivia smartly remarked. “I’ll miss you Rachy!” my little brother Matthew cried. “Everything is going to be alright Rachel” my older brother Michael reassured me. We all hugged each other goodbye as tears were still streaming down our faces. Even though I would be seeing my family in a couple days when they came up to Rochester Minnesota, I still didn’t want to leave without them.
On the road we went, it was silent in the car. Mom was driving speedily, and by speedily I mean she was speeding…. A LOT! I was staring out the window, watching the fields of corn and wheat flow with the wind as we whooshed by. About seven hours later, accompanied by lots of junk food, numerous Brian Regan CD’s, mother daughter chatting in the car, and singing along to the radio… we finally made it to Rochester Minnesota, and got checked into our hotel. “Hurry and change, we have to get over to the hospital as soon as we can, Moir wants to meet with you today!” My mom stressfully informed me. “K”, I replied.
Our hotel was right across from the hospital, so we just walked over. The hospital was breath taking, it was so elegantly decorated. I couldn’t stop turning my head back and forth finding new things to gaze at. We arrived at the elevators and headed to the 14 floor. We checked in and were in with Dr. Moir within about ten minutes.
“Well hello! You guys made it!” Dr. Moir brightly exclaimed. “Why is he so dang happy”, I thought, I’m in a terrible mood. “Yes, we did!” My mom sighed. The room chuckled. “So things aren’t going to well for you, are they Rachel?” Dr. Moir questioned. “Yaaaa…” I shortly responded. “Well I guess we knew this day would most likely come, we just didn’t think it would come so quickly compared to your sister. So tomorrow will be a prep day and then Friday we’ll do the surgery. I don’t know how much you will enjoy tomorrow, most patients don’t enjoy it, but maybe you will. You’re going to be drinking a lot of cleansing fluids to get you’re completely cleaned out. We don’t want any waste left in your body, so you will be in the bathroom for a good chunk of your day” he stated as the other attendants in the room gave off a little giggle. “One of the solutions you will be drinking from when you wake up till you go to bed tomorrow night is called ____________... it tastes like lemonade so it shouldn’t be too bad. Your nurses have medication prescribed by me that you will need to take throughout…”
Really good beginning, drew me in well and made me want to know what was going on. Although the suspense is really good I feel like the middle is too wordy and as a result it takes too long to get to the end and resolve the suspense. Also, I would make the central message a little clearer. Although I know how you feel at the beginning I'm not sure how you feel in the end and so I don't know how you have changed. I think the central message is how others, including friends, family, and even the staff helped you through a tough time. Overall it is a really good story and has a lot of potential but I would just streamline the beginning and make sure the central massage is more clear.
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